Mia

this one goes out to sweedishfishnets!

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 04:00:02 GMT

so due to the looming knee surgery, it looks like i'll be moving home to oakland sometime this summer...if you still are there, i'm taking you out! hope the move went well and you're enjoying your stay so far!

i'm coming home!

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 17:45:10 GMT

this one's for rydot...

so denver airort isn't even opening until tomorrow afternoon and so i had absolutely no idea when i'd be flying home. my mom called me last night and she said that she had bought me the last ticket on amtrack from denver to emeryvile. so i'm leaving at 8on sunday monrning and ariving at 5 on monday afternoon! although it's going to be a long ride, i'm so excited! it goes through the mountains and is going to be so gorgeous. lately i've been thinking about taking the train at some point and here's my opportunity!

i'm coming home!

super lame

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 17:50:37 GMT

so due to a blizard that hit colorado yesterday and is still going on as we speak, my flight has been canceled and at this point, i won't make it home for christmas. i have no idea when i'll get a seat on a flight to oakland-it's christmas weekend and there are no open seats so i have no idea when i'll get home. i know it could be worse and i have lots of friends and some family who live in the area, but christmas for me is spending the day with my father's crazy extended family. i grew up with these people and i only get to see them once a year and that's during christmas. as i get older, they're getting older too and i'm not so sure how much longer they'll be around (my favorite great uncle passed away two months ago) and it scares me to think that i may not see them for another year. there's absolutely nothing anyone can do-you can't fight the weather, united alone canceled over 635 flights yesterday. this sounds so childish but i don't want to spend christmas unless it's with my family. i know that if i did it any other way, i'd miss my family and our celebration too much so i think i'm going to pretend that christmas that doesn't exist this year work at a soup kitchen and help people who are way less fortunate than me.

falling flat on your face is the best way to learn your lesson

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 05:22:44 GMT

so my roommate woke up tuesday morning with (only) the left side of her throat swollen and soar. her left gland was huge and she wasn't feeling well. despite not feeling all too great, my roommate (who is the epitamy of stubborness) decided to go to school anyways. yes it's the last week of school and it's crunch time, but all the more reason to take care of yourself. since tuesday, she has been getting progressively worse to the extent that now both glands are completely swollen and she was white lumps on her tonsils (she's getting tested for strep and mono). once again, despite her physical symptoms, she insited upon going to classes today even though she didn't need to. she's determined to get all As this semester, but for someone like her, it's not that hard. she already has As in all her classes and i tried to explain to her that missing one class due to an illegitimate illness would not affect her grade. stubborn as always, she decided to go to class today anyways.

flash forward to seven hours later and she was hysterically (swollen eyes now too) crying because she was in so much pain. she now has a full blown fever complete with chills and hot flashes and she is so sick, she can harldy move or stay awake. did i mention she has a final on saturday?

i love her more than words can express, but her stubborness frustrates me to no end. she doesn't understand that she can't push herself otherwise this will happen. i think she may be starting to get it, but what a way to learn a lesson huh? not that i'm perfect and yes i've been stubborn and learned the hard way, but i'm trying to learn to not have to hit rock bottom before i open my eyes. i know all too well that stress can and will kill a person-the past three years of my life i've been battling a stress-related illness and let me tell you, it's not worth it. my roommate has been sick now for the past month and i believe it's because she didn't take care of herself at all this semester, pushed herself past the limit and so her body is breaking down on her.

i know that i'm a control freak and i like for people to see things my way, and i'm trying to learn to just accept people for who they are. it's hard. i hate when people bitch about how they're miserable, but do nothing to help themselves or change the situation. furthermore, i can't stand hypocracy and my roommate (unfortunately) invented it! she gets incredibly indignant when someone wrongs her, but if she turns around and does the same thing, she thinks it's fine. *sigh* all this to say, these two behaviors have been making an appearance the past couple of days and try as i might to just let these annoyances go and love her unconditionally, it's definitely a test.

fucking leos

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 16:09:02 GMT

so not that i totally buy into astrological signs and such, but i definitely believe that there is truth behind the characteristics. because i'm a leo i have too much pride, love to be the center of attention, am a natural born leader, and have an ego the size of the fucking solar system. i'm not self-centered by any means, (i don't think about myself enough as it is) but like 99% of the rest of the world, i believe that my philosophies and mindsets are right and superior. not that i think i'm always right, more that what makes sense in my head makes the most sense. because of this, i guess you could say that i'm extremely opionated. to complicate matters further, i am a control freak and i like it when people think the same as what i think. i can be somewhat manipulative and i try to get people to see it my way as a result. I NEED TO FUCKING STOP THIS! not only is it rude, but it turns people away. although there are certain behaviors which annoy me, even about those i love the most, i need to just let go and love them for who they are. i'm a big believer on trying to constantly work on myself and improve me, but it needs to stop there. i can't control other's beliefs and actions and i need to stop trying to change them. even though we may disagree on certain things, that doesn't mean that they are any less of a person. basically, i just need to learn to shut my mouth.

surprising your friends at rocky: priceless

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 23:39:04 GMT

so yeah, here i am at the airport in the middle of the longest lay over in the history of the world and i'm reflecting on the past 48 hours. although this weekend went by so quickly, it was so great to see everyone! i feel so fortunate to have had the ability to surprise everyone at rocky last night and i thoroughly enjoyed myself. everyone looks so great and it was so nice to be welcomed into such loving arms. i truly love you all! i am so looking foward to my return visit in three weeks when i can actually take time to hang out with everyone!

a fear

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 04:42:47 GMT

so admist my rage that resulted from my computer malfunction, i put on one of my favorite musicals in order to calm me down. as i was listening to and singing along with the lyrics i started to think about one of the characters which represented the rare unfaltering good side of human nature. even though these type of people are present in the world, there are certainly not enough of them. i have been fortunate enough to have met and become friends with a few of these people and i can safely say that my life is better because of this. because there are nine assholes for every one good person, my faith in humanity remains uncertain to say the least. although these odds are unfortunately unbalanced, these people are so amazing, they alone help to reafirm my faith in the human race. it's comforting to know that despite all the crap that's out there, there are people who care and do make the world a better place.

pondering all this made me realize that im terrified of not being someone that contributes to the world. i know that i'm not crap, but i used to be this incredibly idealistic, optimistic person and over the past few years, anger has really taken a hold of me and that nice girl seems to be no more. i've caught myself becoming less patient and more angry and this worries me. sure i can blame it on the pressures and evils of society that i see day in and day out but no matter what i may face or experience, i should be in control over my emotions and not the other way around. those amazing people that exist usually see the worst of the worst and yet they are still so kind and loving-it honestly boggles my mind how they are able to maintain composure. i guess i can try to use these people as examples of what i hope to become some day and keep them in the back of my mind so as never to forget. use their examples to inspire me, so to speak. it's hard for me to accept that i believe the world is a shitty place, and because of this belief, i'm even more determined to do good and contribute. it's a lot of work and because i'm a person who overtly wears my emotions on my sleeve, i'm not sure if i can live my dream...

fuck microsoft!

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 00:39:10 GMT

so my microsoft fucking crapped out on me yesterday saying that it had expired. i was never informed that i purchased my computer with a trial run. never have i heard of microsoft office expiring so i went to best buy (where i purchased my computer) to investigate. upon there and trying my hardest to remain calm (did i mention that i have six essay due and finals are in two week?) i was informed that of three years ago microsoft no longer includes it's products with computers-it's just a trail run to get you interested. so what the fuck did i spend $800 dollars on if i can't even get word anymore? it's fucking bullshit! i can't believe that in this day and age people can justify selling you nothing for $800?!?!?!?!?!? sure i got a nice computer but i didn't get the programs to run that computer. you've got to be fucking kidding me! had i known that i was purchasing a computer without word for $800 you can bet your ass that i wouldn't buy that fucking computer.

thankfully my roommate's father has the disk and so i don't have to dish out the extra $150 to buy the fucking program, but that means i'll be driving for the next two hours just to pick it up.

god damn i can't wait till i'm done with school. it's way more bullshit than i'm willing to put up with!

you know you've gained weight when...

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 20:11:46 GMT

you can't pick a wegie because you're jeans are too tight...

the orgin of road rage

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 01:50:28 GMT

so it's quite frustrating (to say the least) when people insist upon driving less than the speed limit in the fast lane. to make matters worse, these same people refuse to get over in order to let you pass. it's not that hard-merge right, let me pass, then merge back if you feel you must. i don't understand this stubboness or defiance. whenever i realize that i'm driving too slow to be in the fast lane or there is someone tailing me, i move over in order to let him or her pass me. i just don't get it

proof god has a sense of humor: the invention of two lane hiways...

be better than you are!

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 21:31:35 GMT

so my mom and i were talking this morning and she told me about an article in the new people magazine in which the female football player from cu (who allegedly got gang raped by a bunch of the male football players) wrote an article about her soon-to-be-released memoir of her experiences. i did not attend cu when this happened but many are skeptical about whether or not she was actually raped or if she just had too much to drink one night at a party and slept with a few of the teammates and cried rape after regretting her choices. no one will know for sure what happened that night, but this is my thing: don't put yourself in stupid situations! unfortunately we don't live in a society in which men and women are perceived to be equal and because of this, women need to be much more realistic. don't get me wrong, i'm all for women's rights, but i'm sick and tired of women getting themselves into sketchy situations and getting into trouble and then claim innocence/victimization. i hate that sometimes i have to be a scared little girl that believes there is a rapist around each corner, but i've decided that i would rather be scared than raped. nothing infuriates me more than people who ignorantly put themselves in stupid situations and although i hate that this world is an unsafe and cruel place to live, i accpet it and live my life accordingly. (not saying that i've never made bad decisions, but i try my hardest to at least learn from the ones i've made). i guess some people need to fall flat on their faces in order to learn, but it's so sad that it takes such an extreme situation for them to get the picture. i do not and never will believe that women deserved to get raped, no one ever deserves that, but sometimes women put themselves into incredibly compromising situations that they should've been aware of. people argue that men need to not be predators and they are the ones that are to blame, but i think that's bullshit! women can be just as culpable as men for putting themselves in dangerous situations. like this girl from cu. as much as it sucks that she was crticized and punished for her passion (football) but she needs to realize the reality of the situation. i believe that optimism and idealism are beautiful ideals, but they are not always practical. sometimes, realism must take precedence. there are no professional/college female football teams and although some may be supportive of a woman playing on an all male football team, not everyone will be understanding. it's a sad reality, but it's a fucking reality. personally, i'd much rather put aside my passion or invest it somewhere else (like rugby for example-there are pleanty of womens' rugby teams) than risk my safety. once again, nothing angers me more than blindly entering a situation without weighing the costs or potential consequences. i'm not saying that what happened was entirely this girl's fault, but she can't expect to go to a football party and try to drink with the boys and have nothing happen. i'm not saying that this is ok, but it's just an ugly reality and she should've accounted for this and tried to act accordingly.

like i said, no one will ever know exactly what happened, but i hope to goodness that she is not crying rape. i believe that women who weren't raped but accuse men anyways for whatever reasons are worse than the rapists themselves. these women make it more difficult for those who were actually raped to prove what happened to them. also, these same women destroy the lives of men who didn't do anything wrong. this world is already such a fucked up place and people who fuck it up even more aggravate the shit out of me!

don't get me wrong, i'm not a woman-hater, but i'm sick and tired of this victimization crap! women need strong role-models who don't take shit and speak up. we don't need passive women who claim victimization and tell the rest of us that we too are victims and nothing is ever our fault. i'm doing a research project/presentation on domestic violence and the average number of times a woman returns to an abusive partner is seven times. SEVEN TIMES! if a man cussed me out in a fight, let alone hit me, i'd be gone and he would never hear from me ever again. i realize that a lot of this has to do with self-esteem and confidence, but if a man hits a woman once, it's his fault, but if he hits her again and she continues to come back knowing who he is and how he acts, it becomes her fault as well. it sickens me that many therpay and support groups tell these women that it's never their fault, but they have a fucking choice. they can always get out. i also realize that some men go to extremes and attempt to kill these women who leave and unfortunately they are sometimes successful, but staying in an abusive relationship is just as bad-especially when kids are involved. studies now show that children who witness violence are more likely to become violent themselves than those who experience violence.

i realize that i may sound callous and harsh, but like i said, i'm sick and tired of this victimization crap. all it does is perpetuate the vicious cycle and allow women to be weak. women need to be smarter and more aware of consequences. yes it sucks that as a women i'm perceived as the weaker sex and i hate that i have to say this, but because of this, i know my place. i don't let idealistic dellusions cloud my judgement and i wish that more women would do the same. i know it's easier said than done and truthfully i've never been in such a situation, but it's because i have a brain and insist upon using it. some people just don't think. i've seen many of my friends stubbornly and defiantly put themselves into bad situations without weighing the consequences. yes i also realize that there are some intelligent women who do get taken advantage of to no fault of their own and i'm not trying to say that all women are stupid, but many women don't think and this is a problem. we need strong, educated role models who hold women accountable for thier actions and stop focusing on the male predators. women make just as many stupid decisions as men do and it's about time that society recognizes that. it's not fair that we always put the blame on the men (yes men get taken advantage of too and i realize i've been pointing the finger at men, but typically women are abused more ofthen than men). all in all, people need to stop justifying and excusing their decisions based on victimization. everyone needs to take a good look at his or her actions and weigh whether or not they were intelligent or what they could have done differently.

in other news, my stats tutor completely bailed on me today and i can't do the work without her. gonna be a great day...if i don't pass this class this semester i won't graduate in june...no pressure at all

night terrors

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 19:09:54 GMT

so seeing as i have a problem with anxiety, it only makes sense that i would also have anxiety dreams. nothing is more disturbing to me when something bad happens in your sleep. your bed is supposed to be the safety zone in which nothing bad can happen to you. to make things worse, my anxiety dreams are always so fucking realistic that have everything to do with what's bothering me in the conscious world. after such a dream, i always wake to an incredibly disturbed and unsettled feeling which usually lasts throughout the day.

love and hate

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 05:58:45 GMT

politics-most certainly my strongest love/hate relationship. so my family just got back from seeing "bobby" and although i had mixed reviews about the movie, it definately got me thinking, well fuming is more like it. to see the actual footage of the 60s generation protesting the corruption of their government maddens me that my generation can't do the same. "well there isn't a draft" my parents said in response, but honestly how fucked up is it that we have to wait till something personalizes us before we act? have people no compassion? why does something have to happen to us personally before we can act? it may not be happening to us, but that means that it's happening to someone else and in my opinion, that's just as bad. better him than me people say, but once again, have we no compassion? clearly this war was started for reasons that had nothing to do with terrorism and now, four years later we can't pull out because of the mess we created. thousands are dying as well as torturing/killing thousands of others and no one here seems to care. i know that many of us are outraged, but we're not doing anything about it. i guess you could say that this is the idealist in me speaking out that wants to start a revolution and make change; but the pessimist in me that has developed over the past few years returns with "what's the point? it won't do any good anyways." i can see why my generation has become so dissolusioned and hopeless due to th corruption of politics. the best man never wins, the richest man does. scandal after scandal, trick after trick, and bribe after bribe is what gets our leaders elected. although i do feel lucky to live in this country and have the freedom to voice my opinion, it still makes me sick the crap our nation pulls. another thing that greatly disturbs me is that no one ever learns from history. our parent's generation were the protestors that fought the vietnam war and stood up against their nation. fourty years later, some of the same shit that they were protesting is currently happening today. i feel so torn between holding onto my hope and just giving up. living in today's world is one thing, but knowing that there were so many ways in which we could have prevented this is another. my parents tell me that politics is cyclical and there are the liberal years followed by the conservative ones and so on and so forth. what frightens me is that we are supposed to be a highly evolved intellingent specy and yet the way we behave seems to easily refute that previous statement. the movie was filled with bobby's speeches on violence and it clearly seems like an omen or foreshadowing. sure it's easy to look back and say "oh yeah, now that makes sense" but in five short years three of the nation's greatest leaders were assassinated. i just don't understand...i guess that's why i'm terrified of humanity

note to self

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 10:19:29 GMT

so i've determined that it's definitely not a good idea to see the person you're trying to get over while you're wasted...

post script

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 03:59:12 GMT

it's no wonder that after the way i've been feeling for the past couple months about humanity and even my best friends here, why i've been isolating myself and not desiring that much contact. yet another reason why i'm ready to move back to the sunshine state...

trouble in paradise

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 03:51:25 GMT

so i've been told that in order to make a relationship work, it takes patience and compromise. unfortunately, this is not exclusive to romantic relationships. i know that no one is perfect and i'm not claiming to be either, one of my biggest frustrations just so happens to be self-centerdness. nothing gets under my skin more than people who can't think about anyone but themselves or don't even try to make the effort. i've let go of friends in the past that onlly talk about themselves and once their done talking the conversation's over. even though not everyone is this self-centered, there are other little quirks which annoy me beyond belief. like when i order and pay (by myself) for a pizza for dinner friends and i come home to no leftovers because my roommate ate them. or when one of my roommates agrees that it's so frustrating when our other roommate doesn't take out the trash and my first roommate has stopped helping out too (espeically seeing as she hasn't moved from the couch for the past two days and i've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off). or when i pay for all the house "necessities" like toilet paper and dish soap and when we run out get asked to buy more. (keep in mind that all of this is coming from the person that accused me of being spoiled). i'm not trying to say that i'm better than people, especially my best friends, but it's fucking aggravating when people are hypocrits and get mad at someone for doing something and then turn around and do the same thing. i know that i need to get better at not being so overly concerned with hurting people and stand up for myself and work on my confrontation skills, but it's frustrating feeling like the mom in my house. i understand that everyone has his or her own idea of what is right and wrong, fair and unfair, and that's the beauty of having one's own opinion, but i've realized that this is where problematic relationships stem from. everyone is way too set in his or her own way and compromise becomes a very difficult task.

when it's all said and done

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 16:38:44 GMT

so an old friend/mistake is in town for the the holiday and we've been hanging out. not going to get into details, but it's just nice to know that i've finally learned my lesson and am growing up. just very refreshing and empowering really...

it's all relative

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 19:39:56 GMT

so my roommate accused me of being spoiled the other day just because (like her) i'm still not financially independent, but i get more money a month from my parents than she does. she however, when with her parents, is demanding and incredibly childish. demanding this and that and guilt tripping when she doesn't get it. to be honest, her behavior around her parents appalls me and i find it very interesting that just because i get more money, i'm the spoiled one. not to mention that the last person i spend my money on is me (except for bills) it just gets under my skin when someone points the finger in blame without checking himself first.

sick bastard

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 00:02:56 GMT

so i guess we'll never know if oj simpson murdered nicoled and her boyfriend (i definately think he did it and am too this day appalled that the trial became a trial of race and not double murder) but what kind of sick piece of shit writes and publishes a book on "how if i had murdered them, this is how i would have done it"?!?!?!?!?!?!? if there is a hell, boy does oj deserve a fucking vip pass

life seems like way too much right now

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 16:08:32 GMT

i need to lose weight
i need to start exercising/eating healthier
i need to stop spending money so frivulously
i need to start saving money
i need to stop always assuming the worst
i need to stop being so opinionated
i need to stop opening my mouth
i need to stop being so deluded
i need to swallow my pride
i need to not be so irritable
i need to stop thinking mean thoughts
i need to stop having twisted fantasies
i need to live one moment at a time
i need to think locally
i need to have more faith in other people (and probably in myself too)
i need to stop victimizing myself
i need to calm down and take a breath

i need to be quiet

why i strongly dislike stubborn people

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 23:13:17 GMT

so today in one of my psych classes we began discussing the constitutionality or lack thereof of capital punishment and minors. it is my personal beliefe that if we use capital punishment we should use it on minors as well (*note i do not believe in capital punishment at all, i just believe that it's too arbitrary to make an age limit or draw the line) yes i understand that there are exceptions like when a 7 year old child gets hold of a handgun and kills someone by accident but there are also pleanty of children out there that know that murder is wrong and yet set out with the intentions of killing anyway. these kids are usually diagnosed with conduct disorder and although many of these children will eventually grow out of their criminal mentalities, there are still quite a few of these kids that develop antisocial personality disorrder and these my friends are the psychopaths. these are the people that know right from wrong and feel no remorse or compassion. these people are highly intelligent and incredibly suave and they know what you want to hear so they'll tell it to you. there is very little success in treating/rehabilitating these people and the question arises what is to be done with dangerous people that most likely won't change under any circumstance? i digress...point being, all of my fellow students firmly concluded that it is morally wrong to kill a child, but playing the devil's advocate i challenged my fellow "scholars" (ha) as to when a child becomes an adult. certainly 15, 16, and 17 year olds know that murder is wrong and yet they are still "children" by definition. how is it that on someone's 18th birthday he or she knows what is right and wrong and should therefore be tried and potentially convicted as an adult? i'm not condoning the dealth penalty for minors, i'm just trying to argue that our system is incredibly arbitrary and i believed flawed. so a girl begins to challenge me about this whole "you can't diagnose a child to be a sociopath until he's 18 and most kids grow out of it" and i returned with "so you're telling me that children with conduct disorder (which more often than not develops into antisocial personality disorder) just grow out of it and that other people who show absolutely no signs of criminal mentality or behavior during their childhood automatically become antisocial the day they turn 18?"

i value the right to free speech and the fact that everyone is entitled to his or her opinion and i'm not trying to change anyone's belief's here, i just get super annoyed when people argue for the sake of arguing. to me this represents and incredibly closed mind that only desires to proove itself right. i'm not saying that i was right and she was wrong-there is no right or wrong here-but it frustrates me that people don't listen and maintain closed minds in order to proove that they were right and you were wrong. all in all, i hate closed minds!

p.s. statistics is by far the worst thing ever created! never thought i'd say this, but far worse than biology!

best bar ever!

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 16:12:10 GMT

so my friend invited me out to denver last night to go a lesbian bar and it is my new favorite bar! they have free well drink until midnight and 80s music/dancing. it was incredible. did i mention that this was a punk rock dive bar and so all the lesbians were incredibly gorgeous and my type. i think i fell in love with one lady there. *sigh* she was so pretty-so pretty that i couldn't work up the courage to talk to her...maybe she'll be there next week...

reasons # 4839483894 and #8498573045u why i refuse to enter a relationship right now

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 02:01:38 GMT

a). because people use one another. my roommate is still dating super nice guy and it's pretty apparent that she doesn't like him in that "special way". she's convincing herself that she does however, in order to be liked and have someone to like. she's too scared to be on her own, without haveing anyone (no matter how serious or casual) there to depend on. furthermore, if she does like him, she's not in the right place to be with him, but for said reasons above, she's selfishly deciding to pursue this, totally not taking into consideration his feelings.

b). because people play games. i've discovered that the man that i've been involved with off and on for the past couple of years and have held in the highest esteem plays games. i've been told that love in itself is a game and even if i'm not playing that game, i'm playing a game by not playing. i hate that people can't just be honest or straightforward with one another and instead resort to cryptic messages. i feel so many problems could be avoided if people were just honest and i don't understand why something (like love) that is in itself so complicated has to be further complicated by stupid games. i have no hidden agenda or tricks up my sleeve and i'm scared that i'll inevitably lose because i don't know how to play this game. furthermore, i don't want to play this game. apparently it's way too much to ask for to find someone who is just him or herself and wants to get to know me for myself-no strings attached. *sigh*

once again i apologise for my bitching. i guess i've just finally opened my eyes to how conveluted and fucked up love can be and i honestly have no desire to be a part of it right now or anytime in the forseeable future. i'm not doubting love completely-i've been fortunate to witness honest and true love, i realize that it's just incredibly hard to find and once found, even harder to maintain. these rare relationships are the one thing that is keeping my faith in love alive, but it's safe to say that i'm not nearly as optimistic as i once was. because of these reasons i definitely am glad to be taking a break so i can work on my issues and doubts and fears and hopefully regain my confidence in something i desire so much...

facing the music

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 04:47:19 GMT

so since i've decided to make myself happier by changing my bad ways, i've realized that i've opened an entire can of worms that consists of my issues. yes i have always been stellar at pin-pointing what's wrong with me, but actually working on myself and altering my bad habits is another story entirely. although i have been making progress over the past four years, my progress has been slower than that of a snail so to speak. i've decided to take a well-needed hiatus and really make an effort to figure out what it is exactly that motivates me and goes on inside this crazy head of mine. thankfully i have an amazing friend who is quite similar to me and has the uncanny ability to both comofrt me when i'm down while smacking me (constructively) in the face when i need to snap out of it. it's incredibly freeing to finally discover what it is that has been holding you back for so long. i've finally pinpointed what it is that drives me crazy and fucks with me so badly. a bigger problem arises however: now that i know what's "wrong" with me, how the hell do i correct it?

pondering...

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 17:34:39 GMT

so it finally got through to me that although i may like myself, i don't really love myself and that's why i have been constantly looking for love outside myself for the past four years. i'm determined to stop this unhealthy pattern and learn to love me and depend on me for that love and not look for it elsewhere.

in other news, i feel that for the first time i may actually (dare i say it) be making the right decisions. i no longer have that nagging conscience screaming at me in the back of my head. lately i've been feeling at peace with myself and my decisions. it's weird-i can sadly say that i've never felt this way before, but it does feel damn good and i guess it's better late than never.

my sister thinks i'm finally growing up. could be. whatever it is, i feel good.

it's amazing how sometimes hitting a bottom can be the best thing in the world. it finally motivates your ass to quit complaining and to get up and finally do something about it.